Wow! This weekend went fast. After days of being with family our routine returns. There are a few things this particular Monday brings: today is Tony Hurst's birthday (my old roommate who died in April), I have 15 days left of my job, I have to turn Madeleine's application in at her new elementary school.
Yesterday we spent the entire day at my sister's house. Eating, talking, swimming, sleeping and eating again. It was so comfortable and sweet to just have a relaxing day that didn't have any monster events in it..just a lot of interaction with family and friends (again). Today I'm exhausted from our festive weekend and I need a break...but alas...I go to work.
I had a dream last night that my Godmother's daughter was critiquing the writing of several blogs and she came across mine. She critiqued some other blogs saying they were creative, insightful, witty and she got to mine and said stop writing ..this is boring. I felt hurt when I woke up and decided it doesn't really matter if it is boring or not..I'm writing for me and hopefully if someone gets something out of it or enjoys it or whatever it's fine. I'm going to keep writing.
I ready something today on "One Day at a Time" - a fellow blogger who quoted from the Bible:
"Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour"
I have not been to church in three weeks. I know what I need to do to stay close to God, but I've been choosing not to lately. I know I always come back to God, but am very human and stray. It's actually very simple to get back to God: read scripture, pray, serve - it's time to bring my devotion back to what is good about life. This is my goal for today.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Sunday, July 12, 2009
The Wedding
Well, the Wedding was quite beautiful. The ceremony was outside in the 6:00pm heat of the Arizona summer (it was 111 degrees F yesterday) but despite this, the love of Michele and Devin and the beauty of the ceremony and oh those misters kept us all from killing each other before going inside to "party" as Madeleine excitedly exclaimed when I was telling her the sequence of events for the evening.
I didn't get as many pictures as I would have liked, but I did get a few and I share them here with you:
Yup, the only pictures I took at the wedding were of the bride and my daughter. I was too busy enjoying the ceremony and the party. I also have a hard time when a million other people are taking pictures. It feels intrusive to me and so I was reluctant to over burden them. I would have liked to have gotten a picture of the bridge and groom, but that was not to be. I am sure I will get many pictures of them over the next few days.
We enjoyed a great dinner, danced, enjoyed time with family - those that we see often and those that we don't see too often and went home. It was quite lovely and I was able to let go of whatever sadness (again) I had and just enjoy!
I didn't get as many pictures as I would have liked, but I did get a few and I share them here with you:
Yup, the only pictures I took at the wedding were of the bride and my daughter. I was too busy enjoying the ceremony and the party. I also have a hard time when a million other people are taking pictures. It feels intrusive to me and so I was reluctant to over burden them. I would have liked to have gotten a picture of the bridge and groom, but that was not to be. I am sure I will get many pictures of them over the next few days.
We enjoyed a great dinner, danced, enjoyed time with family - those that we see often and those that we don't see too often and went home. It was quite lovely and I was able to let go of whatever sadness (again) I had and just enjoy!
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Wedding Day
Today my two older sisters come to see how Madeleine, Jack, Cindy, April and I live. Here they are at the rehearsal dinner last night with my niece Michele who is getting married tonight:
The place is a mess so I have a lot to do over the next couple of hours. I must say I'm really, really tired...have a headache and feel really sad today. I always end up getting this way when I spend too much time with family.
It is further being compounded by the fact that I've lost my job and everywhere I turn I hear stories of people who have been out of work forever and haven't even gotten an interview. It brings me to a place that I have a couple of choices:
Back to the wedding or my niece as the case may be. My niece and I were very close when she was little. She came to see me in 1999 with the exchange student who was living with my sister at the time. They came to see the ball drop in Time Square. I think before this time my niece had me on a pedestal...a very tall pedestal and on this particular trip that pedestal crashed. Our relationship has never been the same. We have a lot to talk about and I've never been able to get her alone for a minute to talk about it. Lately I've really wanted to but the wedding has been looming for months so I just figured I'd wait until after the wedding. So here it is and it is time for us to resolve what happened. I'll see if we can talk when she is back from her honeymoon. I'll certainly have more time because I won't be working.
Here is a picture of my niece and I at the rehearsal dinner:
She didn't used to be so much taller than I...but now well, you can see she is MUCH taller. I love her dearly and she is forever in my heart.
Here is the father and mother of the bride: my sister and her husband Lary:
Lastly my nephew Ryan and Ben are so happy to have their Dad home. He has been living in Alabama since he lost his job back in March because this is where he found a job. My sister and the boys are still living here and the hope is that Lary can move back here rather than all of them going back to Alabama. I too hope they stay. I really don't want them moving to Alabama.
Well, I hope this isn't running like a home video that no one wants to see. Actually, I love home videos and going into other peoples lives for a moment, but some people get really bored.
I had a better time last night than I thought I might. The kids had a blast swimming and playing, there was a running video of Michele and Devin as they grew up and came together with pictures from both of their lives on the television and it was nice to have everyone in the same place. I felt a lot of heart for my beautiful niece and that was enough for everything to be ok.
More tomorrow about today (aren't you lucky?)
The place is a mess so I have a lot to do over the next couple of hours. I must say I'm really, really tired...have a headache and feel really sad today. I always end up getting this way when I spend too much time with family.
It is further being compounded by the fact that I've lost my job and everywhere I turn I hear stories of people who have been out of work forever and haven't even gotten an interview. It brings me to a place that I have a couple of choices:
- do the teaching thing
- work for myself
Back to the wedding or my niece as the case may be. My niece and I were very close when she was little. She came to see me in 1999 with the exchange student who was living with my sister at the time. They came to see the ball drop in Time Square. I think before this time my niece had me on a pedestal...a very tall pedestal and on this particular trip that pedestal crashed. Our relationship has never been the same. We have a lot to talk about and I've never been able to get her alone for a minute to talk about it. Lately I've really wanted to but the wedding has been looming for months so I just figured I'd wait until after the wedding. So here it is and it is time for us to resolve what happened. I'll see if we can talk when she is back from her honeymoon. I'll certainly have more time because I won't be working.
Here is a picture of my niece and I at the rehearsal dinner:
She didn't used to be so much taller than I...but now well, you can see she is MUCH taller. I love her dearly and she is forever in my heart.
Here is the father and mother of the bride: my sister and her husband Lary:
Lastly my nephew Ryan and Ben are so happy to have their Dad home. He has been living in Alabama since he lost his job back in March because this is where he found a job. My sister and the boys are still living here and the hope is that Lary can move back here rather than all of them going back to Alabama. I too hope they stay. I really don't want them moving to Alabama.
Well, I hope this isn't running like a home video that no one wants to see. Actually, I love home videos and going into other peoples lives for a moment, but some people get really bored.I had a better time last night than I thought I might. The kids had a blast swimming and playing, there was a running video of Michele and Devin as they grew up and came together with pictures from both of their lives on the television and it was nice to have everyone in the same place. I felt a lot of heart for my beautiful niece and that was enough for everything to be ok.
More tomorrow about today (aren't you lucky?)
Friday, July 10, 2009
Here we go....
Well, in just a few minutes I take off for my niece and her soon to be new husband's rehearsal dinner. How many people are invited to a rehearsal dinner? Well, in this case it is 150. 150? This is BIGGER than most weddings.
I guess I'm nervous. I hate crowds and big social events especially since I'm not comfortable in my own skin these days. I am going to put a smile on my face, wipe off my smart-ass cynicism and have a good time. If for no other reason than for my daughter's sake.
I'm very happy for my niece and her soon to be husband. They look like they belong together:
Madeleine is already with everyone. She spent the day with my sister, husband, nephews and a few other relatives. I was so happy for her that I was able to make that happen for her today since I had to go to work. Here she is with her cousin Ben (and other cousin Haley) from last night:
What a pair they make. You can see them here to see how much they have both changed over the last 3 years. They are 8 months a part but they both start kindergarten in the fall - I mean summer (back east they start in September...here they start in the beginning of August).
Anyway, I'm procrastinating...so I'm off. More pictures to come of the event of the decade!!
I guess I'm nervous. I hate crowds and big social events especially since I'm not comfortable in my own skin these days. I am going to put a smile on my face, wipe off my smart-ass cynicism and have a good time. If for no other reason than for my daughter's sake.
I'm very happy for my niece and her soon to be husband. They look like they belong together:
Madeleine is already with everyone. She spent the day with my sister, husband, nephews and a few other relatives. I was so happy for her that I was able to make that happen for her today since I had to go to work. Here she is with her cousin Ben (and other cousin Haley) from last night:
What a pair they make. You can see them here to see how much they have both changed over the last 3 years. They are 8 months a part but they both start kindergarten in the fall - I mean summer (back east they start in September...here they start in the beginning of August).
Anyway, I'm procrastinating...so I'm off. More pictures to come of the event of the decade!!
Circa 1978.....if only
This is me with my high school boyfriend getting ready to go to the High School prom on Long Beach, NY. As you can see I was SKINNY. Perhaps 110 pounds and about as tall as I am now. Farah Fawcett hair do.
I showed this to a friend a couple of weeks a go and she said "THAT'S YOU!!" and I said "YES THAT'S ME!!". She said it like it couldn't possibly be me. Mind you this is almost 30 years a go.
While I know I can't possibly get to this size, I'd like to get close and this is going to take a VERY long time. How did I get so big? What happened to that athletic girl who couldn't go a day without running or biking or swimming or SOMETHING.
I think the first key is acceptance...acceptance of how I am now...scars, weight, and declining muscle mass.
I think the second key is finding the motivation. While I have a lot of ideas of what I need to do there is either too much stress or too much good food around or perhaps I'm just incorrigible?
What does it matter really? I want to be healthy, but the goal shouldn't be skinny, it should be health. I want to be healthy so I can be around for Madeleine. I want to be healthy because this is what I want in a partner so this is what I need to be myself.
But, I have it in my mind somewhere that "if you are BIG, you are unlovable and don't deserve to have anyone in your life" and I'm living as if this statement is true - because I believe this about other people too...I don't want a partner who is big..I want a partner who is healthy. But you see this statement is false and therein lies my dilemma and if this is the premise with which I live from I certainly am not going to me anyone.
I hear this from thin people all the time "you have to accept yourself the way you are". Nice to hear from someone who knows nothing of my problem. Or "just do it" as if they know how to do it when in fact they only ever had to lose 10 or 20 pounds.
The "Biggest Loser" is coming to town...it might even be this or next weekend. Since I don't have a job for the next while perhaps I should give it a shot?
I need to know...how do you deal with your weight (or food) issues? how do you motivate yourself? what is the key?
I do know that diets don't work. It is a change of life style. Food choices have to be planned and prepared every day. Exercise - cardio, strength, stretching. I have the cardio down - I falter in the area of strength and stretching. Its been proven to me though over and over again that as you get older while exercise is important - the only way to lose the weight is to change the food choices.
I think the other element to all of this is finding the emotional component that doesn't want the change. There is a part of me, I think, that doesn't want people to come too close and I think this exists for a lot of people who are overweight. Some kind of safety mechanism has been triggered - usually from some sort of abuse - that causes us to use this method to protect ourselves. I don't want this protection anymore!!
I can go one day eating well. Tonight I have a rehearsal dinner to go to and tomorrow my beautiful niece (also Michele) is getting married. Perhaps I can make a commitment to myself to eat well all day and not too much and then allow a little extra at dinner both today and tomorrow. We'll see. I haven't committed to starting the process of losing weight quite yes...just willing to explore this issue here and hear feedback from others dealing with the same issue. So comment away ...I'm open to what you have to say ......
I showed this to a friend a couple of weeks a go and she said "THAT'S YOU!!" and I said "YES THAT'S ME!!". She said it like it couldn't possibly be me. Mind you this is almost 30 years a go.
While I know I can't possibly get to this size, I'd like to get close and this is going to take a VERY long time. How did I get so big? What happened to that athletic girl who couldn't go a day without running or biking or swimming or SOMETHING.
I think the first key is acceptance...acceptance of how I am now...scars, weight, and declining muscle mass.
I think the second key is finding the motivation. While I have a lot of ideas of what I need to do there is either too much stress or too much good food around or perhaps I'm just incorrigible?
What does it matter really? I want to be healthy, but the goal shouldn't be skinny, it should be health. I want to be healthy so I can be around for Madeleine. I want to be healthy because this is what I want in a partner so this is what I need to be myself.
But, I have it in my mind somewhere that "if you are BIG, you are unlovable and don't deserve to have anyone in your life" and I'm living as if this statement is true - because I believe this about other people too...I don't want a partner who is big..I want a partner who is healthy. But you see this statement is false and therein lies my dilemma and if this is the premise with which I live from I certainly am not going to me anyone.
I hear this from thin people all the time "you have to accept yourself the way you are". Nice to hear from someone who knows nothing of my problem. Or "just do it" as if they know how to do it when in fact they only ever had to lose 10 or 20 pounds.
The "Biggest Loser" is coming to town...it might even be this or next weekend. Since I don't have a job for the next while perhaps I should give it a shot?
I need to know...how do you deal with your weight (or food) issues? how do you motivate yourself? what is the key?
I do know that diets don't work. It is a change of life style. Food choices have to be planned and prepared every day. Exercise - cardio, strength, stretching. I have the cardio down - I falter in the area of strength and stretching. Its been proven to me though over and over again that as you get older while exercise is important - the only way to lose the weight is to change the food choices.
I think the other element to all of this is finding the emotional component that doesn't want the change. There is a part of me, I think, that doesn't want people to come too close and I think this exists for a lot of people who are overweight. Some kind of safety mechanism has been triggered - usually from some sort of abuse - that causes us to use this method to protect ourselves. I don't want this protection anymore!!
I can go one day eating well. Tonight I have a rehearsal dinner to go to and tomorrow my beautiful niece (also Michele) is getting married. Perhaps I can make a commitment to myself to eat well all day and not too much and then allow a little extra at dinner both today and tomorrow. We'll see. I haven't committed to starting the process of losing weight quite yes...just willing to explore this issue here and hear feedback from others dealing with the same issue. So comment away ...I'm open to what you have to say ......
Wednesday, July 08, 2009
Mama Kat's Wednesday Writers Workshop
1.) Tell us about a "dirt cheap" vacation you've taken this summer.
Well, I've only gone on one vacation in the last 4 years and that was a trip to San Diego on Memorial Day weekend. We stayed with friends, did not go to Sea World or the San Diego Zoo, ate dinner at my friends house BUT enjoyed a day at the beach, a day at the Tide Pools and La Jolla and spent time with an old friend all treasures and a welcomed retreat from the Arizona desert.
2.) When I grow up I want to be like: Jamie Lee Curtis
She doesn't try to be anything other than who she is. I like that. I like when I can be like that too.
3.) Describe a difficult moment that you survived.
I was just laid off from my job. My boss came to my office and quickly said "we've decided to eliminate your position and we're letting you go. You can work til the end of the month and we will give you a severance that will help you until you bridge the gap in your job search - I'm sorry" Gulp. Well, I did survive and despite my worries, concerns, fears I believe the universe has a plan that is better than what I have now...and things are so much better than they were even a year a go. "I will survive....as long as I know how to love...I know I will survive...I will survive"..you know how the song goes.
4.) List 5 things you like to do while camping...or 5 places you'd like to go.
I haven't gone camping since I was about 25. I have no clue what I like to do when I'm camping. As far as 5 places I'd like to go here they are:
Australia: I've wanted to go to Australia since I read the book "On the Beach" in the 10th Grade. At around the same time my Dad - an engineer for a major aerospace company was given the possibility of moving to Australia for a consulting gig for a year or two....the two melded together to peak my curiosity. I would like to go from Sydney to Melbourne to the Outback all the way to Perth and discover all the ins and outs of this amazing and mysterious continent.
Other interactions that have peaked my interest in Australia: Rabbit-Proof Fence - the movie about the Fence that runs along the border of the State of Western Australia. It was built in the early 1900's to keep rabbits and other animals away from the pasture lands of Western Australia.
A also read a book in the early1990's called "Mutant Message Down Under". I understand that it became quite controversial in Australia and while when I read it it was released as a piece of non-fiction writing it has been re-released as fiction. Either way, the book further intrigued my desire to go to Australia. The book is about a woman who lived among the Aboriginal tribes of the Outback and the experiences she had with them while in their presence.
Along with these little dots along the way, there is beauty and history of the place that also intrigues me.
New Zealand - I had a friend from New Zealand and a boss from New Zealand. My friend rode a horse (or so he says) around the entire perimeter of the south island! My boss was from Wellington. It is also one the few really pristine places in the world.
Italy - I went to Italy in the late '90s. I took a train from the South of France and I have to say the change in personality of the people over that border was astonishing. Loving, warm, light-hearted. Now I'm not one of those people who found the French to be uninviting, however the Italians just seem to have their arms streatched out to greet you the minute you are within its borders. Take that along with its history and beauty and I'm a gonner. I want to go back because I was only priveledged to see the northern half...Venice, Milan, Lake Como. I'd like go back and see the southern half and then take the ferry across to Greece.
Brazil - My daughter is 1/2 Brazilian. I'd like to take her there so she can experience that side of her heritage.
Alaska - Need I say more?
5.) What are you paranoid about?
There is a fable called "Chicken Licken, The Sky is Falling" which I heard when I was four. One day shortly after I heard this fable ... I was walking from a friends house to my house - a few short doorways away - moms at both doors - the clouds were moving in the sky at a rapid pace. I became hysterical and paniced that th sky was falling and screamed all the way home until I got in the door of my home. OK, this is the beginning of a VERY long tale of paranoia that I will not bore you with but here goes a short list....I seem to have recovered slightly....but my mind is filled with scenarios of disaster and I am the central character with God out to get back me:
Getting stuck under the river in a subway (see poem)
Getting stuck in an elevator
Being in a bumpy plane 35,000 feet above the earth
People driving too close behind me (this is actually realistic I must say)
OK, perhaps it is all claustraphopia..perhaps living in Arizona has cured me a bit....living in New York I was confronted with my paranoia on a daily basis...here...I don't have to deal with it much.
Phew.................................................
Well, I've only gone on one vacation in the last 4 years and that was a trip to San Diego on Memorial Day weekend. We stayed with friends, did not go to Sea World or the San Diego Zoo, ate dinner at my friends house BUT enjoyed a day at the beach, a day at the Tide Pools and La Jolla and spent time with an old friend all treasures and a welcomed retreat from the Arizona desert.
2.) When I grow up I want to be like: Jamie Lee Curtis
She doesn't try to be anything other than who she is. I like that. I like when I can be like that too.
3.) Describe a difficult moment that you survived.
I was just laid off from my job. My boss came to my office and quickly said "we've decided to eliminate your position and we're letting you go. You can work til the end of the month and we will give you a severance that will help you until you bridge the gap in your job search - I'm sorry" Gulp. Well, I did survive and despite my worries, concerns, fears I believe the universe has a plan that is better than what I have now...and things are so much better than they were even a year a go. "I will survive....as long as I know how to love...I know I will survive...I will survive"..you know how the song goes.
4.) List 5 things you like to do while camping...or 5 places you'd like to go.
I haven't gone camping since I was about 25. I have no clue what I like to do when I'm camping. As far as 5 places I'd like to go here they are:
Australia: I've wanted to go to Australia since I read the book "On the Beach" in the 10th Grade. At around the same time my Dad - an engineer for a major aerospace company was given the possibility of moving to Australia for a consulting gig for a year or two....the two melded together to peak my curiosity. I would like to go from Sydney to Melbourne to the Outback all the way to Perth and discover all the ins and outs of this amazing and mysterious continent.
Other interactions that have peaked my interest in Australia: Rabbit-Proof Fence - the movie about the Fence that runs along the border of the State of Western Australia. It was built in the early 1900's to keep rabbits and other animals away from the pasture lands of Western Australia.
A also read a book in the early1990's called "Mutant Message Down Under". I understand that it became quite controversial in Australia and while when I read it it was released as a piece of non-fiction writing it has been re-released as fiction. Either way, the book further intrigued my desire to go to Australia. The book is about a woman who lived among the Aboriginal tribes of the Outback and the experiences she had with them while in their presence.
Along with these little dots along the way, there is beauty and history of the place that also intrigues me.
New Zealand - I had a friend from New Zealand and a boss from New Zealand. My friend rode a horse (or so he says) around the entire perimeter of the south island! My boss was from Wellington. It is also one the few really pristine places in the world.
Italy - I went to Italy in the late '90s. I took a train from the South of France and I have to say the change in personality of the people over that border was astonishing. Loving, warm, light-hearted. Now I'm not one of those people who found the French to be uninviting, however the Italians just seem to have their arms streatched out to greet you the minute you are within its borders. Take that along with its history and beauty and I'm a gonner. I want to go back because I was only priveledged to see the northern half...Venice, Milan, Lake Como. I'd like go back and see the southern half and then take the ferry across to Greece.
Brazil - My daughter is 1/2 Brazilian. I'd like to take her there so she can experience that side of her heritage.
Alaska - Need I say more?
5.) What are you paranoid about?
There is a fable called "Chicken Licken, The Sky is Falling" which I heard when I was four. One day shortly after I heard this fable ... I was walking from a friends house to my house - a few short doorways away - moms at both doors - the clouds were moving in the sky at a rapid pace. I became hysterical and paniced that th sky was falling and screamed all the way home until I got in the door of my home. OK, this is the beginning of a VERY long tale of paranoia that I will not bore you with but here goes a short list....I seem to have recovered slightly....but my mind is filled with scenarios of disaster and I am the central character with God out to get back me:
Getting stuck under the river in a subway (see poem)
Getting stuck in an elevator
Being in a bumpy plane 35,000 feet above the earth
People driving too close behind me (this is actually realistic I must say)
OK, perhaps it is all claustraphopia..perhaps living in Arizona has cured me a bit....living in New York I was confronted with my paranoia on a daily basis...here...I don't have to deal with it much.
Phew.................................................
Madeleine, Immunizations and Kindergarten
Madeleine gets the last of her immunizations today. I never feel 100% great about immunizations and do feel there is some connection between some children with autism and immunizations. I've been catching Madeleine up since January since she missed a few in the time we were moving around and then I forgot about them until we were approaching her start in school.
I decided to do one a month instead of doing them all at one time. We have two left and we're going to do both of those today. Thank goodness this is over for now. I remember the first ones she got when she was just a baby and the doctor basically stabs your child in the thigh. I'm a new mom, my baby is perfectly content and then boom ...they stick it to the baby and she's wailing at the top of her lungs. Not fun. It's over in a couple of seconds, but those seconds are excruciating for baby and mom.
After this is done it is time for school registration. After all my glee of getting her into the charter school it turns out that because I lost my job and I may have to go in the opposite direction from home than I would have had I still had my job that it doesn't make sense for her to go to the charter school way over there --- meaning near work. The liklihood that I'll get a job over there again is slim. She will instead go to the public school here near home. The school is basically around the corner and I can actually walk her there. I feel a little relieved in a way. My life will be a lot easier. My plan is to just make sure to get involved with the school and PTA and make sure that Madeleine is getting the education she deserves. She's a smart girl and needs mental stimulation so I want to make sure she gets that.
Now it is time to wake up my little cherub and head out to the doctor. Until next time.
p.s. we went to look at the apartment where Mackenzy and her Mom live. Something in me keeps saying we should stay put for now.
I decided to do one a month instead of doing them all at one time. We have two left and we're going to do both of those today. Thank goodness this is over for now. I remember the first ones she got when she was just a baby and the doctor basically stabs your child in the thigh. I'm a new mom, my baby is perfectly content and then boom ...they stick it to the baby and she's wailing at the top of her lungs. Not fun. It's over in a couple of seconds, but those seconds are excruciating for baby and mom.
After this is done it is time for school registration. After all my glee of getting her into the charter school it turns out that because I lost my job and I may have to go in the opposite direction from home than I would have had I still had my job that it doesn't make sense for her to go to the charter school way over there --- meaning near work. The liklihood that I'll get a job over there again is slim. She will instead go to the public school here near home. The school is basically around the corner and I can actually walk her there. I feel a little relieved in a way. My life will be a lot easier. My plan is to just make sure to get involved with the school and PTA and make sure that Madeleine is getting the education she deserves. She's a smart girl and needs mental stimulation so I want to make sure she gets that.
Now it is time to wake up my little cherub and head out to the doctor. Until next time.
p.s. we went to look at the apartment where Mackenzy and her Mom live. Something in me keeps saying we should stay put for now.
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